Ha ha!

You certainly never know what movie he'll review next!

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Burl reviews Mausoleum! (1983)


Ha ha, hi, it’s Burl with another review for you! This time it’s the movie Mausoleum, which is one of those special movies that by any objective measure stinks on toast, but is somehow enjoyable in a goofy and gormless way! Any movie that dares to cast Dan Haggerty as an angry, lecherous drunk, LaWanda Page as a sassy maid and Marjoe Gortner as anything but the actual Marjoe Gortner has got something special up its sleeve!

And indeed Mausoleum does have some tricks to pull, like the most  energetic deployment of green, blue and red gels this side of Creepshow! It also has a lady who gets possessed simply because that runs in her family, and whenever this hereditary possession takes her, her eyes glow green, her face gets all puffy and her b*obs become little chattering Pac-Man creatures! Then, if you’ve made her mad in some way, or even if you haven’t, watch out! There are many recipients of her green-eyed rage, including a ho*ny gardener (whipped with a brutal face rake!), Dan Haggerty (immolated in his car!),  the old auntie (chest bursted!), an art gallery employee (dropped on a spike!) and Marjoe Gortner (chattered to death!)! LaWanda Page escapes, though – upon witnessing some manifestations of the supernatural, she booms “Great googly-moogly” and beats feet!

The main lady’s performance is not exactly good, but it’s committed! Still, it’s hard to know if she ever even realizes she’s possessed, or is at all concerned about it! It’s up to her psychiatrist to solve the problem, and that means a trip to the… Mausoleum! Of course it’s the type with aimless drifts of smoke, mysterious colored lights and rats milling about on the crypts! But the magic crown of thorns is there, so he kind of has to go! Ha ha, you wouldn’t get me in there, especially after what happened to the groundskeeper! (Head frizzle-fried!)

I heard that Mausoleum was released on DVD, but that they used a print that had had the nasty violent parts cut out of it! Also I don’t think it was even letterboxed! So, best to watch the VHS of it and see the movie in  semi-complete fashion, even though it’s really not too great of a movie! But if, like me, you have a strange need to watch every goopy 80s makeup effects movie there is, this one has to be on your list!

Still, even though it’s goofy, colorful, violent and strange, it just doesn’t satisfy like it should! I think it’s because some things are just a little bit too bad – there’s a feeling of incompetence mixed with not caring that much! Except maybe from Bobbie "Armed Response" Bresee, who plays the possessed lady! Ha ha, what a name! I give Mausoleum one and a half leering gardeners!

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